I pulled up my journal, a pen and my laptop, brought them outside to the backyard so I could do a little research on meditation. Last night I was up all night thinking that if I could develop the ability to really meditate, perhaps I could start healing my own body.
Let me back track just a little so there is some content to what I am talking about.
I have been on a leave of absence from work for just 9 months now. Back in October 2018 I developed a severe pain in my coccyx and made it impossible for me to work. I had many tests done such as x-rays, MRIs, ultrasounds, blood work. Regardless of all the tests, my doctor and specialists are unable to diagnose me. They have trialed different medications, treatments, and procedures, however rather than helping, they all made me feel worse and worsened the pain. I am at t crossroads right now. My doctors what to trial new medications and treatments, but I am hesitant because I am slowly healing from the onset of new ailments that came on top of my pain with the previous trials of treatments.
So last night I lay in bed thinking, I need to heal my body within. I am not saying that I am gong to stop seeking professional advice, but I need to really start taking better care of myself, body, soul, and mind. Truthfully, over the past year, I have lost a huge sense of who I am.
I had to stop exercising because it caused so much pain. I am extremely fatigued or lethargic most days. I try to continue practicing yoga but I can't convince myself to do more that cat/cow, bridging, and laying twists. I should mention that child's pose itself cause a severe shooting pain in my coccyx and I was scared after that to do anything else.
I became despondent towards working out and yoga. I tried to meditate but my mind would wander to thoughts of self pity, jealousy, anger, depression. and loneliness. I am writing this today not because I have been able to get myself out of that rut but because I am having an okay day and I want to change the way I am treating myself. My body isn't cooperating but it doesn't mean I have to allow my mind to follow.
I think other than my body pains, the thing that is really affecting my QOL is my own mind and lack of mindfulness. I try to meditate and my mind wanders. Yes, thats normal and mindfulness meditation comes with practice. I have been trying to practice concentration meditation right now - focusing on my breathing or a single part of my body. I am getting better at becoming more aware and judging myself self, but I still have a ways to go. Meditation is hard! This isn't the first time I am saying I am going to try. But try I must!
Today I came across not a new concept but one I think I would like - Walking Meditation. Why I like this idea is because of two things: I need to move more whether its to get myself back into the act of exercising, to get myself out of the house more, or to learn to slow down and realize that just because I am moving, it doesn't always mean there has to be a reason, agenda, goal, or time restriction, as all those things have the tendency to cause anxiety.
I will not replace practicing concentration or mindfulness meditation but I would like to try enriching my life with movement, awareness, creating joy in each step, and hopefully bring healing to my body, soul and mind.
I don't have more information about my health, but I do think it's time to start taking matters into my own hand. The body, soul and mind are a powerful trio and I do believe with all my heart that healing does come from within.
If you have any advice or testimonies to share with me, please leave a comment below or send me an email. I would love to chat with you!
God 1st. Wife and mother. You can either live accepting life as it, or you can choose to actually live life, and live it to the fullest. My mission is to thrive not just survive, and to do so with passion and compassion, with style and grace, and with humour, because life, life is a funny thing sometimes ;)